Oftentimes I feel that the expression of deep emotions such as sorrow, sadness……etc………are very difficult or even impossible for me to express in any way that comes close to a resolution of those feelings. Athena can cry and feel some relief when she is done crying. Sometimes. I can’t, for some reason. When I cry from overload and stress, it is a very lonely and despairing feeling that blankets my being. Even depression, which all three of us struggle with, hits me much harder than my headmate-sisters. Perhaps it has something to do with gender? I am male and they are female. But that sounds a bit too stereotypical for me, that men always take such things harder. Or is it that women take it harder? Either way that explanation is too simplistic. There are other things going on here. I hate my emotions. I can’t even get excited without being afraid of “crashing” (it happens all the time)
Why is that? I wish I knew. This is very hard for me to write about, because it often makes me feel very ashamed, and more like a child than an adult. But, that thinking is internalized ablism. Now I can finally recognize it for what it is.
But how can I learn to be more at peace with my emotions?
Anger is the emotion that is most accessible to me.
Athena, Ivan, and The Integral 