Archive for the ‘the daily grind’ Category

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This time of semester SUCKS

December 4, 2012

Lately I have been feeling very overwhelmed with shit and often I end up feeling numb. Like I don’t care about school anymore. But that is simply not true. I do care. We do care. The grinding overload, plus the seasonal depression, makes concentration very difficult to say the least. I have spent much more time than usual reading blogs, and writing my own stuff. That isn’t going to help us learn Differential Equations or Abstract Algebra. It isn’t going to get our homework done, or help us study for exams. It may even be contributing somewhat to our depression, because we read about what other advocates are doing and we feel bad about not being more involved.

The middle of November is the start of the big push until final exams. Thankfully this semester we don’t have any writing classes. I think the less than ideal way we handle the pressure is THE reason why we cannot realistically be full-time in school. We simply cannot handle all the coursework of a full load plus all the other non-academic crap (keeping apartment habitable, grocery shopping, getting gas when we need to, etcetera. We will talk in more detail about these aspects of daily life in a different post.

Before the semester began, all of us were ITCHING to go back to school, because our summer break was TERMINALLY BORING. I can’t remember much about it at all. Other than wanting so badly to be back in school and advancing our study of mathematics.

Abstract algebra is fascinating but can be a pain in the behind. Differential equations- nom nom nom. But we haven’t been keeping up with homework for that class because the other class consumes so much attention span and time. Since we are autistic, we have alot of trouble keeping up with anything that isn’t college related also, in addition to falling behind on coursework sometimes. Most of our neurotypical classmates hate this time of semester also, since many of them have a full course load and may also be working. Bucketloads of stress for all!

As I have said before we all love being in college. And this semester we have been more social with our classmates (partly out of necessity- several brains are better than one when it comes to Abstract Algebra homework, and we cannot co-front to do our homework. It just doesn’t work.)

But right now, we just want it to be over already. This part of the semester really really sucks.

When it is finally over, we will probably be extremely relieved for a week or two, and then start itching for the next round.

Ivan

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Heated debate with family members

October 14, 2012

I was talking to my sister and mother about autism. Heated debate, ugh, got frustrated. They don’t understand about autism rights. Mom told me that the websites I visit for the real truth about autism, may not be true after all. I think I would know better, thank her very much.

This happened many months ago, and we cannot even really remember at all what exactly the content of the discussion was, except what was written above as a draft. I am pretty sure this is a common theme in the disability community; heated debates with nondisabled family members about advocacy related things. They think they know us better than we do! How many people have been told at some point in life, by family or relatives, that the time spent online seeking out POSITIVE writing about xyr disability, or positive advocacy, is wasted time?

Collaborative, Andrea and Athena

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Limited Spoons today

October 13, 2012

Not feeling that good today. Lots of stress. Possibly triggered by blogging and looking at too many drafts and thus having too many thoughts going around.
Ivan

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Feeling like a tired old man-Part 1

July 10, 2009

The title of this post says it all. We cannot come out to our parents about being multiple, and there are other things about our autism that we can’t share, or don’t know how to or even don’t want to.

The net result is frustration on both sides. Mom telling us she cannot rely on us for anything…..over and over, tell us that enough times and it’s like a self-fulfilling prophecy. I guess this is the final result of so many times being spoken to in an accusatory tone by her….she does that to EVERYONE in the house at different times. Dad and sister are not immune to her accusatory tone, and they both function much more closely at her level than we do. Dad just yells and tells her to shut up. Sister sort of acts like a pushover….yes ma’am, no ma’am, anything you say, ma’am. She doesn’t literally say that but she has a way of just shutting Mom down, we don’t even fully understand how it works. Unfortunately no one would believe us if we told them part of the problem is being accused so many times or spoken t0 in an accusatory tone, even when things were going well. We’ve had this on and off issue with Mom ever since grade school! And we live at home, also another major problem. Sister can get away during the academic year because she goes to school in CT and lives there. We’re not so fortunate. We love our university, but we hate living at home, and parents have said that we have to first prove that we are capable of “behaving responsibly” first before they will let us move out. Um, hello, DOES ANYONE ELSE SEE A PROBLEM HERE?

We’ve been in this environment for so many years off and on, it’s started affecting our ability to take responsibility and even study, since Lord only knows when, etc.

We don’t really expect NT’s to get this at the same level as autistic people, but we’ll be grinning from ear to ear temporarily if they do. Our parents sure don’t, and every time any one of us tries to even bring this up indirectly, Mom invariably claims that “we’re just blaming her and not looking at ourselves in the mirror.”

This isn’t the whole story. I don’t have the stamina or time to write it all out at once, because I cannot afford to fall apart in a public place, and I have a project to work on.

Ivan

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Dead Freaking Tired!!!!!

October 1, 2008

Yeah, that about describes me right now. I’ve been thinking of several entries but I have no time or energy to write any of them

And we have a calculus test tomorrow. 

We better be off to bed……one of the things we want to talk about here at some point is “stimming while driving”…..interesting shower thoughts perhaps……something about dreams…..maybe several thoughts about dreams…….etcetera. 

Oh, and one new discovery; http://www.i711relay.com is truely awesome. It’s an excellent resource for deaf, HOH, and even autistic people! One can telephone any person in the United States with that service……signing up is free and very simple. It’s truly amazing what desperation can do……..it made Athena and I very, very resourceful…….we needed to use a counseling hotline right away, and talking wouldn’t work so we googled “relay service” and came up with i711 relay. 

 

It’s awesome………oh crud, we’re late for bed again.

 

Darn it all………

Athena and The Integral

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Ivan’s pissin’ again

April 28, 2008

I don’t mean taking a piss, I mean………..I’m &*^%*^& irritated. I have no one reason for being so irate, I guess it’s a bunch of things that I cannot disentangle enough to deal with any one problem or issue effectively. The Integral has often said that I make it almost a career to be mad at things, and she’s not all that far off. However, I like to think that at least HALF of the time, it’s not intentional. I will admit that I do have a tendency towards furor. For a period of years in our lives, I was “the angry one.” It fell to me, to carry the emotional baggage of being teased in school, of having our parents and sister misunderstand us time and again, of dealing with frustration at not being invited to nearly as many people’s homes as our social-butterfly sister (this was several years ago, back when we all thought we actually WANTED all of these things……as much as we thought we did. Times have changed since then), and many other things. Family gatherings were a point of contention, as we didn’t get to talk to other people much because we couldn’t follow the flow of conversation. We’ve since gotten better at it, but in our teenage years and prior to that, communication within a group was very, very frustrating, to put it in the mildest possible terms. I guess those experiences over a number of years would give a person, single or multiple, somewhat of a tendency to being irritated. It’s hard to get out of that rut, of things piling up and then the mind reverting or regressing to a mass of frustration, that cannot be channeled productively. However I see my writing this entry as something productive, even though it’s not helping me study for my Calculus exam tomorrow, it is helping somewhat, to clear my mind.

Being this mad doesn’t help Athena either….she feels it too……..a true empath if I ever knew one. We’re family to one another. Like a brother and two sisters. We take turns being the sensible one. I wish we could all be sensible at the same time. It happens sometimes, but not often enough. Oh well, we have to pick our battles.

Ivan, who feels better after venting his feelings. He rarely admits that.

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silly stuff installation #2: Got Poop?

April 24, 2008

When I came home from church this evening, I got out of our friend’s car (I don’t have one of my own, so she gave me a ride) and noticed a bumper sticker on another parked car that read “Got Poop?”

I wondered aloud to our friend (well, Athena’s friend. She doesn’t know about myself or The Integral) what the bumper sticker could be referring to. I suggested that perhaps the owner of that car, also had a canine or two. Dogs poop in the yard, and when people walk them in public areas, they are required to pick up their poo. Makes sense, right?

There could be any number of possible explanations of the meaning of that bumper sticker. Only because we’re autistic, and keen on minute oddities, do we bother to write about such a seemingly insignificant, even silly, thing as a bumper sticker that says Got Poop?

One of us is very fascinated by poop also, so this is for that one as well. We won’t say who, for the protection of the guilty.

Anyone else have ideas as to what the sticker could have meant?

I’m very interested to hear responses. Who knows, maybe it’s some deep, existential meaning that no one has figured out yet. Could you be the first?

Okay, okay, obviously I’m exaggerating. But sometimes, taking pleasure in silliness can be a very good way to briefly escape the stresses of the daily grind.

Ivan

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