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Emotions are so weird and irritating

November 17, 2012

Oftentimes I feel that the expression of deep emotions such as sorrow, sadness……etc………are very difficult or even impossible for me to express in any way that comes close to a resolution of those feelings. Athena can cry and feel some relief when she is done crying. Sometimes. I can’t, for some reason. When I cry from overload and stress, it is a very lonely and despairing feeling that blankets my being. Even depression, which all three of us struggle with, hits me much harder than my headmate-sisters. Perhaps it has something to do with gender? I am male and they are female. But that sounds a bit too stereotypical for me, that men always take such things harder. Or is it that women take it harder? Either way that explanation is too simplistic. There are other things going on here. I hate my emotions. I can’t even get excited without being afraid of “crashing” (it happens all the time)

Why is that? I wish I knew. This is very hard for me to write about, because it often makes me feel very ashamed, and more like a child than an adult. But, that thinking is internalized ablism. Now I can finally recognize it for what it is.

But how can I learn to be more at peace with my emotions?

Anger is the emotion that is most accessible to me.

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3 comments

  1. Thanks for being brave enough to share what’s on your heart! I wish i could help somehow.


    • You are welcome. I wrote this to try and sort through our own stuff in our heads. To put some of our stuff in writing. Feels like it is less powerful over us if it is in writing.

      Ivan


  2. Remind me next time I’m going through my book-storage to dig out that book about raising boys. I forget the title but remember what it looks like.

    Gender-based explaining may be simplistic but USian culture basically does teach that Angry is about the only emotion it’s OK for a Man to show and retain his Manly status. I suspect that might have bearing on anger being accessible.

    As for parsing emotions? Best advice I can provide is to find some secure place and parse out why you feel a particular way about whatever it is. Takes a while and isn’t particularly fun, but knowing why the problem is a problem tends to help in fixing it.



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