Archive for the ‘shit’ Category


Emotions are so weird and irritating

November 17, 2012

Oftentimes I feel that the expression of deep emotions such as sorrow, sadness……etc………are very difficult or even impossible for me to express in any way that comes close to a resolution of those feelings. Athena can cry and feel some relief when she is done crying. Sometimes. I can’t, for some reason. When I cry from overload and stress, it is a very lonely and despairing feeling that blankets my being. Even depression, which all three of us struggle with, hits me much harder than my headmate-sisters. Perhaps it has something to do with gender? I am male and they are female. But that sounds a bit too stereotypical for me, that men always take such things harder. Or is it that women take it harder? Either way that explanation is too simplistic. There are other things going on here. I hate my emotions. I can’t even get excited without being afraid of “crashing” (it happens all the time)

Why is that? I wish I knew. This is very hard for me to write about, because it often makes me feel very ashamed, and more like a child than an adult. But, that thinking is internalized ablism. Now I can finally recognize it for what it is.

But how can I learn to be more at peace with my emotions?

Anger is the emotion that is most accessible to me.


WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL??? Or, Fuck you, OryCon!

November 6, 2012

Wow. So apparently Orycon, a sci-fi convention in Oregon that had scheduled an autism panel WITHOUT AUTISTIC REPRESENTATION, said, after being called out for not having autistic representation, that they would cancel the panel discussion.
The advocate doing the calling-out even explained what the problems were with the panel.

What she got for all her efforts and energy and VALUABLE SPOONS was a fake apology.

Yeah. She spends alot of time and energy and that’s what she got. I don’t really understand the entire situation to be honest, but I know enough to be absolutely outraged.

BUT WAIT, IT GETS BETTER! I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.


Because of YOU, OryCon organizers, certain advocates will probably need days to recover from their frustration and overload and wasted efforts to explain to you what was wrong and how you could correct the situation.

I don’t believe this shit. OMFG, I’m so freaking angry right now.

But I highly doubt this is the first time something like this has happened in the history of autistic self advocacy.

K, and whoever else made such an effort to reach out to these goons on behalf of autistic self advocates everywhere, I am deeply deeply sorry, that your valuable energy was so shamelessly disrespected.

These people clearly had no appreciation whatsoever of the time, energy and stress you may have gone through in order to advocate for yourselves and the rest of us. But I surely do appreciate it. I would never have known about this if K and others hadn’t blogged about it in the first place.

And yes, I used the word goons to describe the organizers of OryCon. Why? Because they fucking lied about having cancelled the discussion panel. Bullshit they weren’t aware of it happening. Read K’s posts I linked to. All of them.

I hope this gets signal boosted into the stratosphere!

Nothing about us, without us!

Ivan, Andrea, and Athena






Disabled Girl Jailed in Pakistan

November 4, 2012

Whoa. This is ridiculous and outrageous! As advocates, what can we do, if anything, to help this girl and her family?

At the very least people should write to their elected officials and ask them to speak out about it. We must make our voices heard around the world!



Pakistan police have decided to decline requests for bail for the eleven year old Christian girl who is accused of blasphemy on the grounds that releasing her would endanger her life and her family. The young girl is held in a state of shock and has not been able to say much to the police.

Christian human rights groups of Pakistan society are enraged and demand that the girl, who reportedly has Down’s syndrome, is released.


On the other hand, Muslim groups in Pakistan are now insisting she is burned alive for supposedly burning a Koran.

As a result of the controversy surrounding the case, Pakistan law is under scrutiny for imposing inhumane sentences on Christian citizens. Many Christian families who lived in the same neighbourhood as the young girl have also reportedly fled their homes in fear.

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Ann Coulter, The Disability Community is Coming after you!

October 23, 2012

Damn. I had almost an entire post written, and then My ipod decides to crash without saving it! This woman is able to spread her filth because the rest of us except her listeners don’t give a fuck. Well, if we want to send a message loud and clear not only to her but more importantly TO THE REST OF SOCIETY that this kind of crap will no longer go unchallenged, ITS TIME TO START GIVING A FUCK!!!!!!!! Get on social media, write letters to her sponsors, write to newspapers! LET US BLANKET THE NATION WITH OUR OUTRAGE!

Its more than just some dumb woman spewing hate. She is showing her hatred for an entire group of people (nothing new there) but let us make the result much different! Silence no more!


This Side of Typical

Or, like I like to refer to you, Cunty McCunterson.

Wow.  just…wow.  You know, I “get” that you get your attention by using shock value.  I understand that every fucking thing you say really has no meaning, or weight, or substance.  I get that you are just some lonely woman who needs the attention, good or bad.  Usually bad. I get that.  And I would give you a patronizing pat on the head any day of the week for that.

But really?

*sigh*  after last night’s debate, you did it.  AGAIN.  

And now no doubt you will trot out a little dog and pony show telling the world you should have used a different word.

Well, I’m going to stand by mine.  Cunt.

First off, it was the most OBVIOUS play to distract from Romney’s obvious loss with your stupid words.

But the second, and most important point.  By…

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RIP Amanda Todd

October 14, 2012

Trigger warning for pictures of self harm at the end, and discussion of suicide and bullying and feeling alone

We are too triggered to write anything more about this right now and we don’t know too many details, but this needs to be seen, and blogged about extensively.



Amanda Todd’s chilling message about bullying


Limited Spoons today

October 13, 2012

Not feeling that good today. Lots of stress. Possibly triggered by blogging and looking at too many drafts and thus having too many thoughts going around.


Anxious Energy, among other things

April 8, 2010

Warning to readers: it’s pretty late as I am writing this so it’s probably gonna be really rambly at points. Sorry in advance.

Lately we have all had many things on our minds that we’ve been wanting to talk to various people about and blog about, but the energy required to do so has been notably absent. Sometimes this energy is just physical inertia…..thinking of stuff but not being able to get to the computer to blog…..frozen body, or other thing that prevents blogging. Other times life gets in the way; Mom wanting help in the kitchen, sis wanting us to proofread her thesis (bachelors, not phd dissertation)……and various other stuff.

At this particular time, I really should be in bed, as I have an important visit with the admissions director and possibly other personnel from a program that helps students like myself (well, OURselves actually, pardon the back and forth between my and our and whatever. As I (Andrea) have said in my warning, it’s late.

I can’t sleep. There are so many things going through my head right now. Ivan is having an internal meltdown(manifesting only inside the collective mindspace, and not outside our body but still very audible and disturbing to me). He hasn’t been well for the past several weeks. Poor chap, it really kills me to see and hear him in such bad shape.(yeah, you read right; we can see and hear one another very clearly from within the collective mindspace.

I need to be back in school. All of us need that. I/we can’t deal with life otherwise. It’s insane……I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster that keeps going round and round and round in larger and larger circles…..throw in some figure-of-eight loops, add NASCAR-winner speeds, and it’s a true miracle we haven’t TOTALLY gone off the deep end yet. This is total and complete lunacy. I have important things to do tomorrow that will require me to be all there and focus (which in turn requires a decent amount of sleep; thank God Almighty that it’s at 10am and not earlier….) and what am I doing instead of being in bed? I’m rambling. Believe me, I tried for at least half an hour (probably more, who cares though) trying desperately to ignore all the shit in my head and fall asleep, to no avail. Thank God again that I happen to be in a hotel that doesn’t charge by the minute for internet use. Otherwise I’d probably be in bed still, trying and failing to fall asleep for another couple of hours, and that’s if we were lucky.

This entry is turning out somewhat differently than we thought it would….not really surprising though. Some of the anxious thoughts we were having, were simply due to the fact that we’ve had shit pent up for ages and ages. I suppose it didn’t all have to come out, some of it is resolving itself in some kind of way as I sit here and tap out as much as possible before I absolutely have to go back to bed. Opening the damn door of my room was a trip in itself (Dad and I are sharing a room, since he’s checking out the program also) and he sure as hell isn’t a night owl. I’m sure I woke him up when I closed the door after exiting the room if not before. I’m not looking forward to going back into the room and probably waking him up again. Oh well, you can’t win em all I guess………

Now I can feel exhaustion creeping up on me. I suppose I’ve expelled enough of the anxious pent up words that were circling in the mindspace. Hopefully when I go back to my room I’ll be out like a light in a matter of minutes. Ivan has worn himself out from his meltdown. Athena and I really worry for him. Sometimes when she hears him thrashing around and screaming (again happening in mindspace, but when he’s fronting, he’s physically done this before) she starts crying…..and it’s all I can do not to flip out myself (now THAT would be a PHYSICAL manifestation, no longer in mindspace, as I’m writing this from my perspective as the one fronting at the time.)

Wow. None of us have ever gone this far into detail about the inner workings of our system. It’s amazing what anxiety and desperation will do.

I think I’m exhausted enough physically to finish this entry right now and head back to my room.

<<Internal conversation…>>

<<Ivan, I’m really exhausted now, can I go to bed please?>>

<<I wait patiently for a response. Athena yawns and mutters something about our body needing enough sleep.>>

<<Athena: come ON, Andrea!>>

<<I say to Athena: I know, hang on>>

<<Ivan flaps his left hand in my direction. I’m not sure how to interpret this gesture, so I say to him: Ivan, I’m not sure what you are trying to tell me. I asked you if I can go to bed now, since it’s well past the time the body and brain should be shut down for the night in anticipation of… this point Ivan is shaking his head vigorously and covering his ears. Integral too much break down derivative, he says. That translates roughly as follows: Integral (my mathematical name) I cannot process that much information. Tell me shorter please. I try again. Ivan please flap your hand up and down like yes if I can go to bed.>>

<<Ivan flaps his hand up and down like yes.>>

Well that’s all folks. Phew, I’m exhausted. But I feel like my head is ten pounds lighter. That’s definitely a good thing.

Goodnight, wish us luck.

a very pooped out but much less anxious Andrea

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