Anxious Energy, among other things

April 8, 2010

Warning to readers: it’s pretty late as I am writing this so it’s probably gonna be really rambly at points. Sorry in advance.

Lately we have all had many things on our minds that we’ve been wanting to talk to various people about and blog about, but the energy required to do so has been notably absent. Sometimes this energy is just physical inertia…..thinking of stuff but not being able to get to the computer to blog…..frozen body, or other thing that prevents blogging. Other times life gets in the way; Mom wanting help in the kitchen, sis wanting us to proofread her thesis (bachelors, not phd dissertation)……and various other stuff.

At this particular time, I really should be in bed, as I have an important visit with the admissions director and possibly other personnel from a program that helps students like myself (well, OURselves actually, pardon the back and forth between my and our and whatever. As I (Andrea) have said in my warning, it’s late.

I can’t sleep. There are so many things going through my head right now. Ivan is having an internal meltdown(manifesting only inside the collective mindspace, and not outside our body but still very audible and disturbing to me). He hasn’t been well for the past several weeks. Poor chap, it really kills me to see and hear him in such bad shape.(yeah, you read right; we can see and hear one another very clearly from within the collective mindspace.

I need to be back in school. All of us need that. I/we can’t deal with life otherwise. It’s insane……I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster that keeps going round and round and round in larger and larger circles…..throw in some figure-of-eight loops, add NASCAR-winner speeds, and it’s a true miracle we haven’t TOTALLY gone off the deep end yet. This is total and complete lunacy. I have important things to do tomorrow that will require me to be all there and focus (which in turn requires a decent amount of sleep; thank God Almighty that it’s at 10am and not earlier….) and what am I doing instead of being in bed? I’m rambling. Believe me, I tried for at least half an hour (probably more, who cares though) trying desperately to ignore all the shit in my head and fall asleep, to no avail. Thank God again that I happen to be in a hotel that doesn’t charge by the minute for internet use. Otherwise I’d probably be in bed still, trying and failing to fall asleep for another couple of hours, and that’s if we were lucky.

This entry is turning out somewhat differently than we thought it would….not really surprising though. Some of the anxious thoughts we were having, were simply due to the fact that we’ve had shit pent up for ages and ages. I suppose it didn’t all have to come out, some of it is resolving itself in some kind of way as I sit here and tap out as much as possible before I absolutely have to go back to bed. Opening the damn door of my room was a trip in itself (Dad and I are sharing a room, since he’s checking out the program also) and he sure as hell isn’t a night owl. I’m sure I woke him up when I closed the door after exiting the room if not before. I’m not looking forward to going back into the room and probably waking him up again. Oh well, you can’t win em all I guess………

Now I can feel exhaustion creeping up on me. I suppose I’ve expelled enough of the anxious pent up words that were circling in the mindspace. Hopefully when I go back to my room I’ll be out like a light in a matter of minutes. Ivan has worn himself out from his meltdown. Athena and I really worry for him. Sometimes when she hears him thrashing around and screaming (again happening in mindspace, but when he’s fronting, he’s physically done this before) she starts crying…..and it’s all I can do not to flip out myself (now THAT would be a PHYSICAL manifestation, no longer in mindspace, as I’m writing this from my perspective as the one fronting at the time.)

Wow. None of us have ever gone this far into detail about the inner workings of our system. It’s amazing what anxiety and desperation will do.

I think I’m exhausted enough physically to finish this entry right now and head back to my room.

<<Internal conversation…>>

<<Ivan, I’m really exhausted now, can I go to bed please?>>

<<I wait patiently for a response. Athena yawns and mutters something about our body needing enough sleep.>>

<<Athena: come ON, Andrea!>>

<<I say to Athena: I know, hang on>>

<<Ivan flaps his left hand in my direction. I’m not sure how to interpret this gesture, so I say to him: Ivan, I’m not sure what you are trying to tell me. I asked you if I can go to bed now, since it’s well past the time the body and brain should be shut down for the night in anticipation of…..at this point Ivan is shaking his head vigorously and covering his ears. Integral too much break down derivative, he says. That translates roughly as follows: Integral (my mathematical name) I cannot process that much information. Tell me shorter please. I try again. Ivan please flap your hand up and down like yes if I can go to bed.>>

<<Ivan flaps his hand up and down like yes.>>

Well that’s all folks. Phew, I’m exhausted. But I feel like my head is ten pounds lighter. That’s definitely a good thing.

Goodnight, wish us luck.

a very pooped out but much less anxious Andrea



  1. Thanks for the insight, interesting how that works. I hope you got enough sleep, and your appointment went well.

    • Yes it went well thanks, we’ll probably blog about it later. Right now I need to go help mom proofread my sister’s undergraduate thesis.

      Andrea the Integral
      who lately has not been integrating…or doing anything mathematical for that matter.

  2. Glad to hear your meeting went well.

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