Ivan’s pissin’ again

April 28, 2008

I don’t mean taking a piss, I mean………..I’m &*^%*^& irritated. I have no one reason for being so irate, I guess it’s a bunch of things that I cannot disentangle enough to deal with any one problem or issue effectively. The Integral has often said that I make it almost a career to be mad at things, and she’s not all that far off. However, I like to think that at least HALF of the time, it’s not intentional. I will admit that I do have a tendency towards furor. For a period of years in our lives, I was “the angry one.” It fell to me, to carry the emotional baggage of being teased in school, of having our parents and sister misunderstand us time and again, of dealing with frustration at not being invited to nearly as many people’s homes as our social-butterfly sister (this was several years ago, back when we all thought we actually WANTED all of these things……as much as we thought we did. Times have changed since then), and many other things. Family gatherings were a point of contention, as we didn’t get to talk to other people much because we couldn’t follow the flow of conversation. We’ve since gotten better at it, but in our teenage years and prior to that, communication within a group was very, very frustrating, to put it in the mildest possible terms. I guess those experiences over a number of years would give a person, single or multiple, somewhat of a tendency to being irritated. It’s hard to get out of that rut, of things piling up and then the mind reverting or regressing to a mass of frustration, that cannot be channeled productively. However I see my writing this entry as something productive, even though it’s not helping me study for my Calculus exam tomorrow, it is helping somewhat, to clear my mind.

Being this mad doesn’t help Athena either….she feels it too……..a true empath if I ever knew one. We’re family to one another. Like a brother and two sisters. We take turns being the sensible one. I wish we could all be sensible at the same time. It happens sometimes, but not often enough. Oh well, we have to pick our battles.

Ivan, who feels better after venting his feelings. He rarely admits that.


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