if they only knew, and why we can’t tell themApril 1, 2008
if they only knew: sometimes I wish I could tell my relatives and parents more about me. But other times, I think (Ivan) that it’s a bad idea. They wouldn’t understand, they might think I am nuts or something. There is a whole lot more to that story. This is Ivan writing………if I did tell my family, and they didn’t believe or worse freaked out and said no more school, I would feel forced to destroy the home that I grew up in for almost 19 years. I have already tried to tell our sister……she indicated in no uncertain terms that what she had heard made her very uncomfortable and that she would NOT enjoy such a discussion in the future at all. It has been very difficult to keep on living while keeping this in the closet for so long…sometimes we all feel like we’re going crazy trying to get our things done while keeping major secrets. Which we are………..the secrets part, not necessarily the going crazy part. But this is our life, this is what we have to do, until we find a better alternative. Not to life of course, there is no alternative to that, until our time comes to leave this Earth. We are hoping for a better alternative to keeping this secret in the closet.
A bit of an interjection from The Integral: we are starting to come out of the closet online, having read material from others who have come out online before us.
Ivan’s decision not to tell our family might be seen by some as cowardly or whatever; he does think of the worst-case scenario. But he is absolutely correct in his thinking, even though Athena sometimes tells him that he’s worrying for nothing. It’s NOT “nothing” he’s worrying about. This is really serious……if our parents found out and then made more restrictions on us…….didn’t let us use our sister’s car (Ivan and I are able to drive. Athena isn’t, and she knows that. Her brief attempt to drive on a short trip confirmed that. Her hands were itching for the steering wheel, and we let her try because Mom and our sister were there. She realized quickly, with minimal intervention from us, that it was too much for her to handle.) and put us through more therapy……..Ivan would throw a mad fit……..he’d have none of it, and he might land us in prison or a mental institution.
Hence, to avoid all of this crap, even though it’s hypothetical, we remain in the closet. It’s too realistic a scenario in our minds to risk outing ourselves prematurely. Later on if we determine the time is right (we have a stable job, stable finances, finished our education…..at least a Masters) then we’ll let them know.
Til then, the closet is quite comfy for all of us.
Collaborative, Ivan and The Integral