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if they only knew, and why we can’t tell them

April 1, 2008

if they only knew: sometimes I wish I could tell my relatives and parents more about me. But other times, I think (Ivan) that it’s a bad idea. They wouldn’t understand, they might think I am nuts or something. There is a whole lot more to that story. This is Ivan writing………if I did tell my family, and they didn’t believe or worse freaked out and said no more school, I would feel forced to destroy the home that I grew up in for almost 19 years. I have already tried to tell our sister……she indicated in no uncertain terms that what she had heard made her very uncomfortable and that she would NOT enjoy such a discussion in the future at all. It has been very difficult to keep on living while keeping this in the closet for so long…sometimes we all feel like we’re going crazy trying to get our things done while keeping major secrets. Which we are………..the secrets part, not necessarily the going crazy part. But this is our life, this is what we have to do, until we find a better alternative. Not to life of course, there is no alternative to that, until our time comes to leave this Earth. We are hoping for a better alternative to keeping this secret in the closet.

A bit of an interjection from The Integral: we are starting to come out of the closet online, having read material from others who have come out online before us.

Ivan’s decision not to tell our family might be seen by some as cowardly or whatever; he does think of the worst-case scenario. But he is absolutely correct in his thinking, even though Athena sometimes tells him that he’s worrying for nothing. It’s NOT “nothing” he’s worrying about. This is really serious……if our parents found out and then made more restrictions on us…….didn’t let us use our sister’s car (Ivan and I are able to drive. Athena isn’t, and she knows that. Her brief attempt to drive on a short trip confirmed that. Her hands were itching for the steering wheel, and we let her try because Mom and our sister were there. She realized quickly, with minimal intervention from us, that it was too much for her to handle.) and put us through more therapy……..Ivan would throw a mad fit……..he’d have none of it, and he might land us in prison or a mental institution.

Hence, to avoid all of this crap, even though it’s hypothetical, we remain in the closet. It’s too realistic a scenario in our minds to risk outing ourselves prematurely. Later on if we determine the time is right (we have a stable job, stable finances, finished our education…..at least a Masters) then we’ll let them know.

Til then, the closet is quite comfy for all of us.

Collaborative, Ivan and The Integral

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5 comments

  1. it sounds like Ivan has an idea in keeping you all safe and that is so important. and you are talking with others and having this blog is huge in coming out. most of our/my family doesn’t know about the DID and that is ok by us.

    thank you for coming by our site and i hope to get to know more about you over time …


  2. yes he does………though sometimes Athena doesn’t remember why exactly Ivan has decided that we cannot inform our parents about our multiplicity…..until he says we should.

    We are multiple for a much different reason than many systems are (and the first thing people might think of) ……we were not abused horribly at all. We are multiple because it’s easier to process information that way. Maybe that would be a reason we wouldn’t be believed……most people think, incorrectly, that all people with DID are that way because of awful abuse as children. I know many are, but there are other reasons for being multiple……

    The Integral


  3. Hi to all in the Crew……this is Ivan….and yes you are correct, as The Integral said above.

    I do not think it prudent or safe at the moment, or for a while to come, for us to announce ourselves as plural, for reasons we wrote about in the post. It is very unfortunate indeed….and very trying on our collective mind….and takes a toll on our academics too.

    Initially it was even a big deal for us to come out even online, and blog about our multiplicity (I have to admit, I was the one holding back. I had my grave doubts about the worthwhileness of doing it, but The Integral convinced me that it was in fact a very good idea. It’s pretty time-consuming though, as she has discovered of late….

    Take care of yourselves…..all in the Crew

    Ivan


  4. Oh wow, this post is REALLY REALLY relevant at this particular time in my life. In our lives. We’re having a great deal of difficulty living at our parents home because of being in the closet about being multiple.

    The Integral


  5. Update: Athena drives too now. Just not very far.
    I’ll go for up to an hour and a half driving…..anything longer than that, I leave for Ivan….we don’t switch behind the wheel obviously though…..that would not be safe……if we know that the trip will be more than an hour and a half….he drives it from start to finish.

    Athena can drive to the mall if she wants to….to get her favorite Chinese food from the food court. Ahhhh Panda Express….

    Andrea the Integral



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