feeling like a thing that is no longer wantedMarch 13, 2008
Often I feel like a broken doll, or a worn out schoolbag, or a pillow that someone no longer has use for. I feel this very deeply, and then I cry. The different selves inside experience this feeling in other ways. Ivan just gets irritable. The Integral doesn’t know what it means. She is in fact the least emotional out of the three selves. I cry for Dean, who becomes concerned and confused because he hears me crying and doesn’t know why because she cannot or will not explain. More often than not, she doesn’t explain because she simply can’t. It’s hard to get any words out at all let alone useful explanations during a period of overload.
And not being able to communicate whats going on inside my mind…..naturally leads some combination, in no particular order, of fixation, anxiety, depression, and/or frustration………the depression manifests itself in something like the title of this short post…….feeling unwanted by whomever……..which is more often than not, a departure from reality. In other words it’s not actually true that some person doesn’t want me…..it’s that anxiety is causing me to have perceptions that are not necessarily equal to what’s going on in reality.
It’s happening right now….probably because we feel crappy after having to withdraw from our Physics lecture class and lab. There was no way in hell we were going to come close to passing the second exam……..the first was a disaster……but that’s another story for another time, if it’s written out at all.
Athena, with some assistance in word use from The Integral.