1. The First LetterJuly 13, 2006
I’ll have to fix these later………..
this is my first blog
I am on a quest to find more of the truth about autism and also to tell the truth about myself. I do not want to hide forever. The hiding isn’t meant as being ashamed of my autism, this I am clearly NOT. But I’ve been hiding about how challenged I really am, about certain things, like knowing to ask my Mom if she needs help when she comes home, things like that. I pretend to “get it” because I’ve tried indirectly hinting that I might not get it, and she jumps all over me, figuratively. She’s told me that if I really do have such and such problem, that maybe I am not ready for independence or real life or even college. This is why I hide those things from my family. But here…I don’t have to tell anyone I know about this blog if I don’t wish to.
The Fortress is my inner world, where I retreat into my thoughts, when I have overload issues. I used to go into my closet with a discman very often in grade school, when I came home. In fact, that was probably one of the first things I did when I came home. I need to escape….from the real world around me. I loved school, but I needed to destimulate from the school environment. All the classwork, class discussions, people moving around, etcetera. Wow, it’s really amazing how these words are coming out because I am right now in my fortress, thinking of this, yet I can catch these words into this blog because I am sitting here, detached, allowing myself to type and type and type away. I am not even really looking at my hands now. I am trusting that they will type the words I am thinking, without me looking at them. Hey I could use this idea for driving! Trusting my hands to do what my brain commands, even as my eyes are not directly focusing on them.
Telling the truth when I’ve hidden for years, “behind the shroud of” (eh, not the best words but for now they will have to do) Athena my higher functioning half….is making me a bit nervous at the moment but I know it is for the better, in the long run. It feels horrible, to keep this kind of secret for so long, because it has been a very heavy weight to carry for so long.